The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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