Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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