So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
