I heard we made out
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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