sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
