Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
