He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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