I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize