Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
