I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
