how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
