Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
