You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize