my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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