apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
