We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
