I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
