I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
