i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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