my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
