seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
