my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My butt remains clenched, sir.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize