I am puke
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
