On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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