I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
