I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
