Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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