Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
