someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize