i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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