I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
