then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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