I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize