i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
