I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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