I can tuck mytits in my pants
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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