Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never joke about your clitoris.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
