How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
