AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
