I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
even my farts smell like vagina
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
