She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
