does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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