I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
