Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize