Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
