I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
