i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
