so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
