My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
