he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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