I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
