Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
