oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize