I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
