woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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