My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
