last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
