i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
