NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
