i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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