mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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