He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
