i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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